First of all, I will forge ahead. I’m not going to stop. Not ever. I will not ever stop to look back. Don’t forget, I am the one that has the green arrow ahead. While you my friend, have the left arrow. Why don’t you take your own advice and pay attention to the road, pal. Don’t you know how dangerous distracted drivers can be??
Since we are on the subject of things we don’t like about others, please allow me to share a few of my own thoughts. I don’t like pretenders. I dislike people who lie to their families, their friends, but most importantly to themselves. I dislike people who act cowardly out of fear of being their own, beautiful, wonderful, genuine self. You are scared. And for that, I will always feel sorry. This isn’t a book, a movie, a play, or a fantasy. This is real life. And you are wasting yours. I will always feel regretful of that.
I see your potential. You have shared your hopes, wildest dreams, and desires with me and I will always know what you hide behind. You are pretending. And you can’t be angry with the only person in your life who ever asked you to quit pretending, can you? I don’t think you should. I love you and by “you” I mean the person you hide from the world. Like I said, you are a pretty cool guy when you cut the bullshit. It’s too bad you’re too scared. You should know you’re scared is scared of all the things you love. Maybe some day, you could start seeing that on your own.
I’m sorry to hear about the things you don’t like about me. But guess what? I’m not pretending anymore. I don’t use a fake id. I do occasionally drink. You’re right, I’m not perfect if that is what you are trying to point out. But guess what, pal…?
There will always be a part of me that is dirty and sloppy, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself. I can forgive. Can you say the same for yourself, fucker? Can you forgive? Are you capable of that???
You have it all wrong. I do want you to be happy. But I can’t allow myself to be used the way you use me anymore. It’s sick and disturbing to watch the way you abuse my emotions. You make me feel terrible. You put me in a box and ask me to accept the confines as restraints. You say all these things with meaning that nobody has ever said to me before, but I have quickly come to realize that they don’t really mean anything to you.
I’ve never once asked you to do anything for me. I have only asked you to be a real person. To respect yourself. What you are dealing with must be so hard, and I honestly sympathize. It must be incredibly difficult.
If you ever need help, I pray that I gave you enough resources along the way to aid you. I will always be there for you. But you can no longer contact me. I will not be contacting you. That is an absolute promise. I am going to forge ahead. I have built my own raft to sail away from this island and I am going to cast my sails and drift far, far away. I know I am strong enough to make it out there on my own. I just hope you’ll be ok alone on the island. You listened to me weep telling you of how lonely the island can be. It can be awfully tough, but I have faith you will make do with what you’ve got and survive at the very least. But please know, I have been there and my only words of advice are to get off as soon as you can. As I sail, I dream of all of the beautiful things that life has ahead for me. As I work hard for them, I know I will be blessed with great endeavors in the future. Remember, you could have that too if you weren’t so afraid to sail.
These words are the hardest for me to say, because all I ever wanted was to have someone there with me on the darkest of nights and I offered you that friendship. But you’ve made me look like the ass, so guess what? I now ask you to do the same that I once did, and struggle through this all by yourself. And that sucks. My entire existence screams to save you. But you don’t want it, you want me to look like a shitty person asking you to abandon your family. You know that is a lie and you’ve completely misconstrued all of my words, heartfelt advice, and support. So forget it. Enjoy the island.
You are so lucky I never contacted your family, your work, your church. Just remember, I know where you roam and so does your God. You should feel like I do on the days when you’re in my town. You should have to feel that gut wrenching feeling of longing and guilt all at the same time. You should know that you are not in the right and how dare you make me feel as though you are the “better” one in this situation. I hate that you would even go there. If you want me to play this game, I will play it. But let me warn you, you do not want that. Swallow your pride, and accept that you missed out on a great friendship. You let this girl walk away from your storm. Again, enjoy it.
You may not have experienced the shit that I did. But you loved hearing about it, didn’t you? You are afraid to be alive, you’re afraid to live. You’re a hypocrite. You’re a conformist. You’re a liar. I opened up to you and you judged me. You Are NOT a stand up guy today.
In the words of Robert De Niro, “Let me tell you, I know you don’t wanna listen to your father, I didn’t listen to mine and I’m telling you, you gotta pay attention to the signs. When life reaches out with a moment like this, it’s a sin if you don’t reach back. I’m telling you, it’s a sin if you don’t reach back, and it’ll haunt you for the rest of your days like a curse. You’re facing a big challenge in your life right now, at this very moment, right here. That girl loves you, she really really loves you. And I don’t know if Nikki ever did, but she sure as hell doesn’t love you right now. And I’m telling you, don’t fuck this up.”
Just remember, I love you. I fought for you. And you played me out to look like the asshole. And in the end, you are really the ass. I know it. You know it. But still, I love you.
Watch for the book I write someday about all the things you taught me about myself. My secretary will no longer be contacting you.
All the best,
Lindsey Kay Winders.