The Air We Breathe

2015/01/img_2996.pngWhat do you do when doubt fills the air? …like a poisonous gas creeping through the crack between the floor boards and the door… Doubt destroys the air that holds the oxygen that is required by our bodies to live. Without clean air to breathe, we simply cannot exist. Doubt rolls into the air and suffocates those within its reach. Once doubt is in the air, it flexes its harsh muscles by contaminating the sacred oxygen that keeps the rhythm to the machine inside our chest alive. You ask me to love you, while you stand there stealing my air. I express my fears, and you pull me close and tell me to breathe out love. You, a thief that steals my pure, innocent air and replaces it with a venomous smoke that suffocates my lungs. How dare you beg me to trust you and yet mock me for loving you while you suck out every last breath from within me. I am not a resource for you to filter through, using what I value most to clean yourself of your dirtiness. You and your doubts, your brokenness, your fears; they rob me of what I long for most. You harden my sweet heart as you turn my lips blue. Love, you foolish man, is not something to toy with or to make a mockery of in this game of life. Be careful of how you treat a being that knows only of truth and acceptance. You become the murderer of a dream created by a young girl the first time she felt her heart beat inside of her chest. You tell me that you’re sorry, but that you do not love me any longer. And suddenly, like the moment the tide washes back out to the sea and leaves the sand exposed before rushing right back again, the air from within me…is gone. Like the final moments depicted in paramount cinemas of the flashback that occurs in those final seconds after the last breath seeps out of our motionless, dry lips and escapes our vessels, I see all the moments that made me love you. I see your hands holding the paint brush as we made small talk about pottery on that first date in dreary October. I see you staring into my eyes from across the sticky pub table on that cold night in November after the play about healing. I see the way you stood there in the body you didn’t quite seem to fit. I feel that sloppy, wet rain that drenched our clothes and hair on the night that I decided to give myself away to you. You asked me what I wanted to do on the night before I left and closed a tremendous chapter in my life. I couldn’t have written those final few pages any better, baby. And I am so thankful that I had you in that moment to hold the pen. To feel you kiss me and wrap your hands around me on the stairs of the Old Capitol while the rain fell on that cold night in December. I feel your eyes on me as I whispered ‘yes’ for the first time. And then suddenly like the slam of a book, doubt floods the air and the monitor goes blank.

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Drunk words are sober thoughts

Sitting at Quintons in Iowa City while my table guest has stepped outside to take a quick phone call. I am 2 “big girl” margaritas down and I’m still in firm belief that men are vicious creatures that aim to destroy the female heart. That’s all…

Be well.

Holy shit. People I know are getting engaged & I’m over here stressed about my bank account, my unkept bedroom, weight loss, and finding love again! Hi there. It’s been some time, eh? Missed the world of blogging while I was away, but I am thankful to feel somewhat revamped to begin writing once again. Over the past few months lots of great things have happened as well as several positive life experiences have been gained. I can’t wait to write about several of these eye opening experiences.

Right now, I am so thankful to have a delicious new recipe in the crock pot to be enjoyed with one of my closest friends later this evening.

Sundays are always days full of reflection for me, as they should be. I am currently moving forward into July with a busy schedule and lots of promising endeavors. Life is truly about a positive attitude. Positive out will allow space for positive in

That’s All for now. More of an update soon to follow

Boys v. Girls: A lesson in Phone Conversations

“Lindsey, I just wanted to call to say ‘goodnight’. I just needed to hear your voice before I fell asleep. With you, I always feel like we need to have some kind of manifesto though. Is it okay if I call tomorrow and we can do that when I have more energy?”

“I could hear my heart beating. I could hear everyone’s heart. I could hear the human noise we sat there making, not one of us moving, not even when the room went dark.”

 

Tah-Tah-For-Now

To the world of vast openness and silence & all of those that I can call my readers, 

I write to you to inform you of my departing for the time being. I really can’t bring myself to be in this area of space at this point in time.

To be frank, I guess it’s when life blows up in your face that sometimes the best thing you can do is retreat to your own solitude- think your thoughts all the way through and then devise a game plan.

While many of my close friends and family follow this blog, I feel as though I want to recreate something a bit fresher. A lot of who I was prior to this year is wrapped up and woven throughout the coding of this page, and I would rather just move on from my past. I don’t want to dwell. 

I’m very much a thinker when times get tough, so I am thankful for the space this blog has created in allowing me to type out my thoughts during my growth and throughout many life lessons. It’s kind of crazy when I read back to the beginning of this place, which is all the way back to my freshmen year and during the time of my first boyfriend. How cute.…mortifying for me to look back on. I think I’m ready for a place where I can’t be found, so that I can just spill it all out…let my freak flag fly and such. 

 

I need to heal, let go & move on, internalize, aspire, and take some serious leaps of faith. When I’m ready, I’m sure I’ll share the place of words to those that would like to read. Until then though, I think it’s time to say a blessed…tah-tah-for-now.

 

Much love to those that made me feel the love in this place over the years. If you ever feel like you need me, I promise I’m not hard to find. 

My love sent to those that deserve it the most, 

Lindsey 

 

 

Sail Away.

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